I've sat in circles of women...small groups...one on one...as they recall their birth stories. A first birth, comparing birth, and inevitably you'll get a few good "horror" stories as all the other women chime in "Ohhh it was AWFUL!"...and so on and so on.
And there I sit.
I had learned, by that time, that an answer of "I didn't think it was that bad" will get you blank stares. It will get you comments of "Oh you just WAIT till the next one" (I had two children at this point....but for some reason it was assumed that I expected all my births to be the same). Or there are the women who lean into the currently pregnant friend and says that they'll tell her what it's REALLY like at another time. Let's add in that the "I didn't think it was that bad" applied to my first birth with an epidural as well as my second with no pain medication. Yeah... that will make you some friends real fast. It will make most of the friends you DO have look at you like you're either a liar...or an alien species.
I just didn't think it was that bad. Sure it hurt and I joked with my husband that we wouldn't even THINK of having a second baby till I forgot the size of our son's head. Yeah, it hurt. I don't deny that. The second was easier than the first...I cried a little the second time and even remember saying "I just can't do this"!
But when I have to recall it, I find it nothing short of amazing. If I forget that, I just need to remember the look on my husband's face - amazement. Not to mention, the excitement in his voice.
My birth experiences are valid, real, and a lot more common than most women realize.
There seems to be this unspoken "rule" where the more painful your birth experience, the more war medals you receive. That the women who don't find it funny to joke about or exaggerate about their experience are less of a woman. Or less of a mother.
I find it baffling that while birth is something I'm passionate about and continue to learn about (even while not pregnant), advice is most often sought after from those who are willing to share all the horrors of birth. I certainly don't discount that there are traumatic and/or tragic births. They are there and they are worth talking about. What I'm talking about is your average birth. I don't understand it. Just wait till we have an intentional home birth! Oh boy, won't they talk... that we're extreme...and weird...and just "ew why wouldn't you want to have your baby in a hospital where it's SAFE"! Yeah... I've already gotten those responses. I've even been called a hippy because of that ideal. I don't quite understand the relation there.
More women need to be encouraging. Let's be honest about our experiences but there's nothing wrong with being encouraging and positive. Let's do away with those "oh just you wait" responses. If a woman wants to have a medication free labor then we SHOULD be saying "Wow that's great! You can do it. I'm very excited for you"....INSTEAD of laughing with a know-it-all "just you wait. You won't be saying that later. Wait till the PAIN kicks in". One is supportive, the other is not. Can you tell the difference? Have you done this to your friends and family?
Birth is amazing. It's beautiful. It's life changing and life affirming. Each experience is different but each is real - each really happened. Let's move out of this terrible "I'm more of a mom because my birth hurt more" mentality. These aren't even those so called "mommy wars". Actually, I despise that term. It's stupid. Let's call it what it is. They aren't Mommy Wars. It's called "you're-just-being-a-big-jerk-and-want-everyone-to-think-you're-right".
When we're done moving around, I fully intend to begin practicing as a birth doula. Of course, if we live back home again, I'm not sure I'll find much work as it's completely OBGYN run and "out of the box" notions aren't highly supported. Anyway, it's my plan. To show women that birth, while painful is amazing. It's scary but it's awesome. That someone will support you in your birth choices because likely (esp. back home) they will be seen as unusual if they're the least bit lacking in clinical detail. I plan to do this and enjoy it! I've been doing a little more learning on my own, especially with the hope of a home birth next time around. Next time a woman shares with you that she didn't find birth miserable or that she loved it, ask her about her experience. Who knows - you might *gasp* learn something new.
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| Benjamin right after birth September 23, 2011 |
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| Gianna right after birth April 15, 2013 |
